I am so dissatisfied with the shy smiles, the guarded glances, the hands held for seconds only to separate. the hi’s hello’s how are you’s. I feel the ache inside in the silence afterward. in the silence after passing you. I just wonder about you a lot. too often, probably. and my re-thinking of you met with nothings — they hurt me. I am constantly wondering if I am self-delusory. when the leaves are falling around us like snow in a snow globe, when your eyes are gray, when you walk with your head down low, when you fail to hold your smile and I see the brokenness inside, the anger inside, the hunger inside. I make no sense except in my head. my thoughts move too quickly, like the wind takes them, like the blurring bike takes them, lays them out on pavement cracking in the cold autumn air. so much I hold, so much I lose. I feel the ache inside.
dawn through a window from home
You melt my heart. over and over and over again, oh desire. Come nearer, give me more than emotion, give me truth. You are doing something new. You are bringing joy where there was sorrow. Dancing instead of mourning. Your word is true! It is flawless, faultless, forever. Let me wake every morning to the songs of Your love for me, for humanity, sleep every night with your eyes on me. I look to You. Lockstep, lock eyes with You. Because of Your infinite kindness towards me. Jesus. Sweet name. I can’t wait to see you. Purify my heart ever more so that I may see your face… and where fear is, let faith be the fight I choose to fight. I love it, I love you, you’ve marked my heart and now I cannot go anywhere without thinking about you.
help me to believe in your love for me, that it will always surpass any love I have for you… that it is full and yet always overflowing. Jesus! whisper Jesus. sing shout Jesus. only Jesus.
for every message sent,
Tremors spread against
the cool cotton bedsheets–
a lifeline, [limbs restless]
a friendship, [eyes lidless]
only motions in the
dark, dusty night.
Two hearts can beat,
fast like ‘tricity,
but telephone lines do little to bring us together.
A short poem I wrote maybe a year ago that reminded me of some articles I’d read in the Modern Love column of the NY Times.
I’m asking for grace to choose to believe He really loves me even now when I’m reluctant to bow low before Him and so hungry for my own glory.
But one thing I believe (God help me) is that His love is better than life. Self glorification is so fear-filled and insecure, nothing like the freedom that comes from confessing with my whole heart that He is good and I am not.
You really came to set me free.
You really came that I may have life and have it abundantly.
You really are the way, the truth, and the life.
Your love is truly better than life.
You discipline those who delight in.
Your love is steadfast, forever, wide, long, high, deep. And it will never fail me.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
it sounds more like a platitude than a prayer. But I do hope you’re well, separated as we are by mile markers and painted roads, oceans, craggy mountain ranges, lonely plains. Well. do you hear the longing in that? the lingering l’s? I wish I knew what you looked like now, though I don’t want you to see me. I’m learning a lot about myself, too much to say or summarize into sentences. I wish I could show you my mind. (I wish I could see my own mind.) I am thankful for borrowed words, for words written online and in journals, in the margins of used books. Thankful for words that resonate, the ones that leave residues inside my heart. (I come back to them.) Thankful for sentiments about silence because I too find myself unable to utter any noise. Understand me. I grow scared to spill words onto pages, each letter like a grain of sand or soot dragged and dropped across the wide expanse of white. The sky, too, is always white here. It’s hard to look up at it and wonder if the sun you see, that lone star, looks the same where you are. And the nights are dark and rainy; there is no moon. I’m growing here, learning here, sharing stories with strangers here. More listening than talking, I think. Speaking in silences… like I do to you. But I hope you’re well. I really do.
wow. Rereading my blog makes me miss intimacy with You. The dark rooms I wept in, but not the shame and the sin that led me there. The leafy gardens I danced in, but not the ignorance I held there. Lord, I know that You are good and You have taught me and grown me and changed me. You have stayed the same, but now You are bigger. More You. I thank You for that, but I’m asking that You’d bring me back to that place—the dark room, the secret garden, the singing, weeping, dancing… I want to stay close to You. Teach me to do that. Teach me to desire You every moment of every day.
I am homesick for a place I have never seen before.
In English class we talk about you a lot. It seems no one knows you very well, but no one likes you too much. Tell me, is it because they fear you? You know their hearts–theirs are not mine to know. Do their words and thoughts fall on you like spit or like the blows you felt walking on that darkened hill? Or are your eyes still burning? Do you not feel the hurt anymore? What do the recesses of your heart look like? It feels like home to me, my refuge, my resting place. But do you keep from me what I can’t ever dare comprehend? How much do you hurt?
Your love goes deeper than these mortal wounds, I know. But I want to know you more. The more I’m with you, the less people see of me. It hurts, but I will say over and over and over again that I am okay with that. In my heart of hearts, this is what I want. You know my desires, and you satisfy them.
I’m okay with that. Sorry if it’s half-hearted or un-believed while you long for all of me. I’m still praying: take it all. take it all. take it all.